Only Women, Children & Dogs are loved unconditionally. Man is only loved under the condition that he provides something.
Chris Rock
Let’s make a bet.
After you read this article, call every man over 40 that you know, and ask him if he is alright. I’m willing to bet that most, if not every single one of these men, will say that they are fine.
For the men reading this, we know better.
We know, or at least believe, what is the point in saying we aren’t? We believe that no one is coming to save us, so suck it up, adapt or perish, oblivious to the fact our mental health is being impacted.
In one of his comedy specials, Chris Rock said “Only Women, Children & Dogs are Loved Unconditionally. Man is only loved under the condition that he provides something”. That’s exactly how we feel as men.
That’s what I saw from my father, and he from his. I never saw my dad cry or complain… he just worked his butt off to provide for his wife and 5 children. The stresses of this, along with an unhealthy diet, caused him to die at the young age of 49. At this period of shock and unimaginable grief (grief I’m yet to process 20 plus years later), I understood both the pros and cons of being what a real man is expected to be; the cons of which can lead to serious deterioration of your mental health.
Men, especially from the Late Millennial, Generation X and Baby Boomer periods, understand that even in these modern times, men are expected to lead their household, be providers, and protect their family. Even if his wife is working, or is non-traditional as compared to the past, he is not given the same lee-way as women in terms of not being a traditional man. The problem with this is that whether we know it or not, this causes havoc on our mental health.
Women are better equipped to handle issues they face as they have no problem in expressing their emotions. They speak to a professional, their religious leader, their friends, family members or even husbands, to solicit advice on how to handle a personal situation. Men however are the opposite. Most men, especially those over 40, were nurtured to not be emotional, keep our business to ourselves and work out the issue on our own… whether we have the tools to do so or not. For those who aren’t able to cope with this reality, inevitably leads to issues like depression, stress eating of unhealthy foods, distancing from loved ones, as well as other maladies that are detrimental to the man, all of which contributes to the deterioration of his mental health.
I remember a month after our daughter was born, we decided to take a trip to the Caribbean. My wife held our newborn, while I was basically a walking octopus, with 3 carry-on luggage, a baby stroller and car seat in tow. When we were about to board the plane, the flight attendants gushed over Mom, which was expected; however, they looked at me and said to my wife ‘jokingly’, ” I hope daddy is helping!”. I paid it no mind, but my wife was not amused. In her mind the flight attendants had no idea of how much I have sacrificed for our little family. As I did not actually go through labor, everything else I did was not important. That totally went over my head, as I was too much in ‘dad’ mode, but it did have me thinking about our actual birthing experience in the hospital.
My wife gave birth to our daughter after being in the hospital for 7 days. I was alongside her, getting zero to limited sleep on the hard sofa in the maternity room, all while still working remotely. To me this was the least that I could do; hell, I wouldn’t want to be in her position pushing out an eight-pound human. But even with that she was still concerned about me as she saw I was running on fumes and slowly unraveling, yet not complaining. In hindsight, she was right; I was totally frazzled and mentally spent. We had no family or friends around us, so we only had each other for support. My physical and mental health were certainly affected, so much so that when our beautiful daughter was finally born, I was numb and emotionless at the beginning, as I was still in ‘provider/protector’ mode. Only when our daughter was placed on my chest, is when I finally relaxed and enjoyed the moment.
Imagine, knowingly or unknowingly, living in that state for decades without it being addressed? Whether you aware or not, it will take a toll on your physical, emotional and mental health.
Think about it, when a child passes away, grace and compassion are first or wholly extended to the mother, not realizing the father is in just as much pain. The father even has to put his grief and mental health aside to be strong for the mother and family. Imagine the mental and emotional fatigue that comes with that.
Guys, life can be overwhelming, especially in our middle years, as the weight of work, family responsibilities, and societal expectations bear down on us. As a man over 40 who has continuously battled with stress and silently wrestled with mental health, I understand firsthand the toll it can take. In this blog post, I’d like to speak on the effects of suppressing emotions, explore the adverse impact it has on our well-being, and provide my 2 cents on how to overcome depression and reclaim joy in life.
Before I begin, just remember it’s not about unlearning how you were nurtured as a child, but rather to find a happy medium where you can still adhere to expected manly functions, while still protecting your mental health. Also, and just as important, to ensure your current or future sons are equipped with the right tools to become well-adjusted men in society.
The Downside of Bottling Up Emotions
As discussed above, society often teaches us that men should be strong and stoic, which can lead to a damaging cycle of suppressing emotions. Bottling up our feelings and not seeking support can have severe consequences on our mental health. For years, I followed how I was nurtured, in keeping my stress and anxiety hidden beneath a veil of strength. However, this suppression only intensified the emotional burden, eventually leading to burnout and a deep sense of despair at times.
Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
Mental health healing is supported by acknowledging and validating your emotions. Understand that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or sad. Allow yourself to experience and express these emotions without judgment. When I began accepting my feelings, I felt a sense of relief, knowing that I wasn’t alone in my struggles.
Seek Professional Help
In contrast to what I learned growing up, there is strength in seeking professional help. Funny enough, the ‘Sopranos’ TV Show helped me come to that realization. Yeah, I know it’s fake and just a TV Show, but seeing how effective the Therapist was with Tony Soprano (the Mob boss for those who never watched the series), opened my eyes to its possibilities. A therapist or counselor who specializes in men’s mental health can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions, develop coping mechanisms, and gain valuable insights into managing stress. I personally found therapy to be transformative, offering me a fresh perspective and practical tools to navigate life’s challenges.
Build a Supportive Network
As an introvert, I found this challenging. To be honest, I am still working on surrounding myself with individuals who can provide a safe and non-judgmental space to express my feelings. I’m not there yet, but I can see the merits of cultivating meaningful relationships with friends, family members, or support groups, where I can feel heard, understood, and supported.
Take Care of Yourself
I’ve always put people’s welfare before mine, especially after getting married. My own wife doesn’t agree with this and insists that I prioritize self-care activities; activities that strengthen the mind, body, and soul. Since I have started doing this, I have to agree with her. Engage in activities that bring you joy, such as hobbies, exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. Set aside dedicated time for self-reflection and relaxation. It took me some time to realize that self-care is not selfish but necessary for peace of mind. When I started prioritizing self-care, not only did it positively impact my physical health, but I also discovered a renewed sense of peace which positively impacted my mental health.
Vulnerability is NOT a Sign of Weakness…
Screw What Society Thinks
It’s going to be tough, but until you break free, or at least bend the constraints of what society expects from you as a man, you will forever be in that space of anxiety, stress and depression. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but a strength that allows for growth and connection. Be brave enough to challenge societal norms and lead by example by encouraging open conversations about mental health within your friend and family circles. Only then we can pave the way for a healthier, more compassionate society that values emotional well-being.
Find Meaning and Purpose
Growing up, a few days before Christmas, my parents would throw a party for the children at the group home. Each child got a gift, and they all had a great time. My parents grew up very poor and worked their butts off to provide my siblings and I a great life. The gesture they did every Christmas season was just one of the many ways they gave back to society, giving them fulfillment and purpose. It’s important for your mental health to engage in activities that give your life meaning and purpose. It can be volunteer work, feeding the hungry, or any cause that resonates with you. Finding purpose beyond the daily grind can bring a sense of fulfillment and contentment.
Take Small Steps
Have you ever been in an accident and broke a part of your body? You do not heal or feel better overnight do you? That’s the same for mental and emotional healing. Recovery takes time, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. Take small steps each day towards better mental health. Don’t forget to celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Remember that self-improvement is a journey, and setbacks are a natural part of the process.
Conclusion
I really hope that women, especially married women, read this post as well. That way they can understand what most likely their men are experiencing mentally. To understand it will take baby steps for a man to agree to accept the help he needs mentally, especially after his current way of bottling up emotions was ingrained in him since he was a child. For the men reading this, there’s nothing wrong in standing up for what you believe a man should be, but you should not let it adversely affect your physical and mental health. By acknowledging our emotions, seeking support, and challenging societal norms, we can overcome depression and reclaim a fulfilling life. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Reach out, speak up, and prioritize your well-being. Together, we can build a world where men can thrive emotionally and live authentically, without bearing the yoke of emotional and mental health issues.
Some Helpful Resources –
National Institute of Mental Health: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/men-and-mental-health
Medical News Today: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/mens-mental-health-man-up-is-not-the-answer
